40+FAB Blog

Why cry over spilt milk?

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 16, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Everyone makes bad decisions from time to time. Some of those decisions cause us to regret the actions that we took or did not take. For me to regret, I must recall the thing I have done. I somehow make a journey back into my past and closely watch the steps that led up to my actions. I relive that experience for a very brief moment of time. The problem is that the brevity of my flashback triggers emotions that linger possibly for days. 

No matter what I do to change the past, it doesn’t budge. Sometimes I try to deny it, but the record still remains. I try to explain it away, but I am still left with a nagging complaint. I paint over it, but it still has a taint that won’t cover. What can be done to fix my past? How can I resolve my regret? We have all kinds of fantasies about time travel, going back to fix the past so that we can erase some part of our present or future and make it more bearable. But the truth is that once an event has occurred, it is past and nothing can be done to change it.

The only reasonable way to deal with the past and regret is to learn from it, and then leave it where it belongs, behind you. There is no point crying over spilt milk. 

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40+FAB Blog

Unleash the inner child

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 15, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I remember back in secondary school, one of my teachers decided to punish me for a perceived wrong. He beat me so hard with a cane, striking me all over my body and when he was done I could see black and blue marks under my skin. Needless to say my father got involved and reported this to the authorities. But that experience affected me for years and took away a certain confidence I had up until that point.

My experience was bad, but there are children who have been through much worse. Looking at society and attempting to come to grips with the evil that men act out, then trying to reconcile that with the fact that they were once an embodiment of those great qualities of a child is a very hard thing to do.

The events that shaped them may have been outside their control at the time they were young and that is very understandable, however, if their current actions were to be tried in a court of law, excuses of the past would not stand. Once you are deemed to have passed the age of accountability and are in a sound state of mind, it is expected that you have properly thought through the consequences of your own actions.

Thinking about these things made me reflect on my life and question everything that I had been taught and exposed to. Had I lost all the admirable qualities of my inner child? Am I on the right path or have I continued down a wrong road? Have I been influenced in the right way or in the wrong way?

We must have a willingness to challenge, research, relearn, realign and change in any area of our lives where we discover that we have got it wrong. I have learnt to ask myself, “What great qualities of my inner child have I lost?” “Why did I lose them?” “How can I recapture them?”

I will not let the negative environment rob me of living that great life that I had a promise of when I was a child. I will not let the circumstances and the mistakes of others keep me in a dark corner locked down from my greatest possibilities. I will recapture the qualities of my inner child, I will allow that pure energy to come out and be expressed!

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40+FAB Blog

Protecting the child within

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 14, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

As I watch my son grow I realize how beautiful children are; the innocence, purity, enthusiasm, trust, love, joy and laughter, hope, boldness, confidence,
excitement at new things, acceptance of everyone, telling things as it is and so on. Watching him and other children bring back fond memories of the joy I once had when I was a child.

My older brother wrote a poem and a few lines in it really caught my attention and they have stayed with me.
“Every child is pure energy,
Energy looking for direction,
Environment possesses positive direction,
Environment possesses negative direction.”
– Kayo Opebiyi

It is so true that as a child grows, whatever qualities they have begin to be moulded and influenced by the environment that they find themselves in. Before long that sweet child could either become even more charming or transformed into something really menacing. Life throws so much in the mix that the child is forced to come to grips with as they grow. Parents are meant to soften those punches but sometimes for whatever reason, they could have been absent or even when they were present, they missed out on their duty of care.

The child soon finds out that Santa is not real! Adults lie too, promises are sometimes broken, the world is not a bed of roses, people can be unkind
and hurtful, fears and dangers are becoming more real and the list could go on.

Somewhere along the line those beautiful qualities of that child begin to be readjusted, rationalized and sometimes even disappear. The once hopeful
and joyous child could soon become a cynical young man or woman just like the people that influenced them.

We need to think about how we protect that child within from the actions and memories of the past.

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40+FAB Blog

What happens the day after?

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 13, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Most times we are great at planning big events or projects, and in the heat of our preparation, we rarely take time to think about what happens next.

We focus on the wedding, but what happens in the marriage?
We focus on the degree, but what happens for employment?
We focus on getting that new thing, but what happens to maintaining it?
We focus on winning a battle, but what happens after the war?
We focus on a lockdown situation, but what happens when we are let out?

Life is never stationary and we are always in a state that is transitionary, so it never makes sense to be all about achieving one thing at one time without planning for what comes the day after.

Even in the certain eventuality of death, we must still arrange all that we have for the next generation. I am in no way advocating not being present in the moment and in the now to fully participate in it and enjoy it, but as we do so, we must keep the slightest view on what happens the day after.

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40+FAB Blog

Don’t sweat the small stuff

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 12, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I read an excerpt from an article about a well known classical music violinist. She had to practice for a certain number of hours everyday to become a world class player. She noticed that when it was time to practice, the urge to tidy up the house would come up, and when she did, she never got back to practicing.

This went on for a while until she made a decision to practice in an untidy house. That decision made all the difference to the results that she got.

Have you noticed that some of the small routine things we do around the house or at work could actually be a great distraction? Maybe we give attention to them first because they seem easy enough to do, but after we are done, the energy and drive to focus on our main assignment is gone.

Learn not to sweat the small stuff as they will always be there whenever you choose to do them. Focus your time and energy on that which will yield the most value from your efforts.

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40+FAB Blog

It’s coming around

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 11, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries, millennia, they all have one thing in common. They are cyclical and will repeat themselves over and over again as long as time remains.

We should use the predictability of these cycles to our advantage. We need to get into the rhythm of these cycles and use them to plan out what we have to do. Time need not be an enemy if we understand the offer of friendship it has given to us in cycles.

Did you miss the opportunity to do something at the right time in one of the cycles? Do not despair for it is coming around again. Understand what you did wrong and why you missed it, and then prepare adequately to seize the moment when it comes within your reach.

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40+FAB Blog

Easy like Sunday Morning

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 10, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

The song Easy by Lionel Richie tells of the struggles of a man wanting to be free from the expectations of those around him. There is nothing wrong with people having expectations of you, but when those expectations place you in a mould that is not you, they become unhealthy shackles.

I like Sunday mornings, because there is a sense of a rest, refresh and reset that kicks in. The week has ended, the weekend has peaked and the new week is anticipated. There is a searching within checking up if one is being true to what their life is meant to be. I find Sundays to be surreal.

As you look within, don’t let the world around you succeed in putting you into an unhealthy mould. Don’t get into the habit of faking to fit in, pretending to be the part or acting to be accepted. It is better to be in the right crowd than the ‘in’ crowd.

Next time you feel the pressure to be something that you are not, cut yourself some slack and just take it easy like Sunday morning.

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40+FAB Blog

They’re counting on you

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 9, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Believe it or not, you are one with significant influence in the life of another and whether consciously of subconsciously, they are counting on you. It might be for a big thing or a little thing, but your response could make all the difference in their life.

They are counting on you for a listening ear.
They are counting on you for an understanding heart.
They are counting on you for a caring touch.
They are counting on you for a shoulder lean on.
They are counting on you for their next meal.
They are counting on you for advice.
They are counting on you for direction.
They are counting on you to show up and lead.

They are counting on you for whatever other reason that is important to them. So when next you think you just don’t have the strength to carry on, think about all those who are really counting on you, and maybe somehow you will find the courage you need to get up, show up and prop up the ones that are counting on you.

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40+FAB Blog

Exhaustion

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 8, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

In motor vehicles that burn fuel, there is something called the exhaust pipe which takes the gasses produced by the burnt fuel away from the engine to a point where it is expelled from the vehicle. Exhaust fumes can be quite dangerous to the occupants of the vehicle and that is why it is carefully guided away so it does not harm them.

The gasses produced are a result of the fuel being burnt to create energy that will propel the vehicle in the direction it needs to go. When the vehicle is full of fuel and moving as it should, the exhaust is never a problem.

We however experience two problems with vehicles. One is when we run out of fuel and thus produce no more power to move. The second is when the vehicle has fuel, the engine is running but it makes no movement.

Having no fuel to run our day to day lives produces a type of exhaustion that makes every activity much more difficult than it should be, just like a car without fuel will not move you, but you will need to push it yourself to get anywhere. This is tiring, but wisdom dictates that we find the right things that fuel us to keep going.

The second is having enough fuel but producing no results. The only time we are allowed to be low in results are in a time of rest. It then becomes important that if we are resting, then we must switch off from activities that demand we produce. Just like a car keeps producing exhaust fumes when it is on and not moving and has a higher likelihood to harm occupants who stay in it for long enough, so it is when we do not properly switch off to rest. It creates exhaustion that could harm us.

In summary, get the right fuel that keeps you motivated and going on strong to produce positive results in your life. Also, switch off from all activities requiring your attention when you are taking a rest, this will prevent exhaustion from seeing in and causing you harm.

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40+FAB Blog

iChoose (part 2)

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 7, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Have you noticed that even in the movies, the hero has to make a choice between saving their loved one and disarming the explosive device? They are only given a very limited time by the villain to make that decision. To remain undecided or to postpone a decision for longer than necessary is probably worse than making a bad decision. Why is this so? Well if I make a bad decision, I can always learn from the experience and retrace my steps to make better ones next time. If I don’t make a decision, time keeps racing and the opportunity to make that choice passes by, so I would have lost both my time and my choice. 

No matter how many options we are faced with, in the final analysis we will always be left with the two best things to do for that particular point in time.  Left or right, up or down, on or off, good or bad, forward or backward, leave or stay, speak or remain silent. A decision needs to be made; one thing needs to be chosen in order to progress. 

I think of decision making like walking. In order to walk, first you must stand up on your two feet – this is where you take full responsibility for sifting out all your choices and crystalizing your thoughts to identify the two best options. Next, you must put one foot in front of the other – this is where you make the choice for what you think is best, and you leave the other behind. You may fall the first few steps you try to make, but just like a child, you must get up and keep trying and the more you do it, the easier it will become. The next thing then is to repeat the process again, putting one foot in front of the other in quick successions of time and thus make progress. 

To be indecisive is to sit where you are overwhelmed by the myriad of choices to make, or, to come to a point of standing, but then not making the choice to put one thing before the other thus allowing time to slowly pass you by as you are left on the same spot. 

So how do I become better at making decisions? I have learnt to do this by seeking out enough information on the choices I have to make, getting the counsel and advice of others, following my gut feeling, imagining the outcomes of my decision, being proactive by just doing something, and finally using a combination of all the methods mentioned. 

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