In the world we live in today, listening has never been so important. We are constantly badgered with information from all kinds of sources and channels. This has severely impacted our attention span and I read in one report that the average attention span of today is only 8 seconds, compared to 12 minutes in the eighties.

With all of these, it is hard to listen or to be listened to, and the lack of listening has created a dimension of problems in all the relationships we find ourselves in, be it with family, friends or work colleagues.

So what can be done to improve our listening? Well, we just need to observe the age old common sense rules of listening by firstly, listening to understand what the other person says means to us, then preparing to ask questions to clarify our understanding. Secondly, we must listen to understand the other person completely and not to only answer to what we have heard. A third thing and possibly the one requiring the most maturity is listening to their body language, tone of voice and emotions.

You will find that doing these things builds on your emotional intelligence and helps you to become a wonderful communicator and the kind of person everyone would love to be around.

40+FAB Blog

Keep something for yourself

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 21, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I was having a chat with a couple of friends this morning and we talked about the importance of getting help for certain chores, even if paid for, to free up time to do other high value tasks. This is important in the creation of sustainable and substantial wealth (not just monetary, but a wholesome life that is fruitful and fulfilled).

This then leads to another dilemma that we could face, as we run away from trying to do every little thing ourselves, we can fall victim to outsourcing more than we should when we see how effective we have become with our time being freed up. There is also the danger of becoming overtly transactional as we try to get more value out of our time to pay for the help that gives us that time.

As with everything else in life, we need to get the balance right. There are some things, no matter how time consuming they are, that should ever be given up to external help. It might be painful to do them now, but in the long run it will pay off more dividends than can be imagined. I recall that over the years I have always mowed the lawn myself because my son took an interest in helping me do this right from when he was 5 years old. Outsourcing that task, even though it would save me time, would mean sacrificing the time and bonding I get with my son.

So, what do you need to let go of, if you are doing too many things by yourself? And, what things do you need to keep for yourself so that you have the right balance in every part of your life?

40+FAB Blog

Avoiding counterfeits

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 20, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

It is never a good feeling to invest your time or money in something that you later discover is a fake. I learnt something about the way FBI agents are trained to identify counterfeit money with a very high degree of accuracy. The simple technique used is getting their agents to see, touch and feel, and study loads of bona fide currency notes. After spending so much time with the real thing, the counterfeit becomes quite obvious to them.

The same is true with anything else in life, if you want to avoid the counterfeits, then you must become very conversant with the original. A lot of times, we focus on what we do not want, the counterfeit, and not enough time on what we do want, the original.

I caught myself months back always telling my boys what I didn’t want them to do, and then it struck me that I was never defining what they should do. It is hard enough for anyone to deal with their own self doubt and inhibitions of doing anything worthwhile, so they do not need us to reinforce those things with our ‘don’ts’, as this keeps them back in a state of the counterfeit.

If we can focus on the real deal and what we truly want, then we are more likely to move away from what we do not want.
Spend time with the wealthy in person or through their stories and you will discover that their wealth has roots, which take time to grow, and this will help you recognise the fallacy of get rich quick schemes.
Spend time with those married successfully for decades and you will realise that marriage is more than good looks, possessions or charm.
Spend time with successful leaders and you will realise that leadership is more than position and self seeking.

Decide on what it is you want and where you want to be and then follow this up daily by spending time with what that looks like and not focusing on what it does not look like.

40+FAB Blog

You can control these things

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 19, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I find it quite intriguing how we can either overestimate or underestimate what we are capable of in most situations. Sometimes we get overwhelmed by the simplest things or we become blasé about more serious matters.

No wonder someone wrote the prayer of serenity, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.”

Truly it is critical to know what we can do, what we can control and where we do need to take responsibility. This ability gets better the more we practice, but let me point out seven areas which psychologists believe we can control.

You can control what you do with most of your free time.
You can control your concepts and imagination.
You can control who you choose as your role models.
You can control your tongue.
You can control the causes to which you give your time and goals.
You can control your commitment.
You can control your concerns and worries.

You can control these things, so take the time to practice how to do this. It may take a while, but when you master it, you will realise what progress you are able to make in your life.

40+FAB Blog

Friends like these

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 18, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

The importance of having people around us is high, not only because of the benefits of our relationship with them, but also for our mental and emotional wellbeing.

They say that we do not get to choose our family, but we can carefully pick our friends and they can eventually become like the family we never had.
Those who surround you have the ability to create a positive or negative environment around you. This is why it is important for you to choose friends that exhibit behaviours that will compel you to greater achievements.

Again, unlike your family, you can change friends who are not having a positive impact on you. If you look into your friendship circles and you cannot see the future that you aspire to, even if only in a promise, then you need to consider if you should be hanging around them.

Finally, be the friend that you would want others to be to you. Encourage your friends to be more, share your inspiration, encourage them to pursue their dreams, be a sounding board, be a cheer leader, be a backbone and just be there for them. You can be the catalyst in your circle of friends to spur you all on to greater things.

40+FAB Blog

Don’t give up quickly

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 17, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I remember being really stubborn as a child and would hold out for as long as I possibly could insisting on what I wanted, much to the frustration of my parents. I just didn’t like or want certain things, like tomatoes, which made me feel ill. As I have grown, I have become more tolerant of the things I once resisted so vehemently.

Parenting sometimes has a way of robbing children of some great qualities, in the name of training them, and if we do not do it the right way, we end up robbing them of their ability to reason and assert themselves in this world. They could be given cultural ideologies which fight the very essence of creativity and innovation which every child seems to be born with.

One of the abilities that gets worn down in a child is that of not giving up quickly. In learning to walk or talk, children never give up, saying it is too hard. They know it is their next developmental step in life and therefore keep at it until they get it and become good at doing it.

So why do we then as adults give up so quickly on the things that are meant to be for our next level of development? We may have a thousand excuses to give which may seem really valid, but deep down we know that we should have followed through.

Stop and take an assessment of your life right now and identify every area where you have given up. Ask yourself why, and if that thing is instrumental to your next level, you will need to pick it up again with a dogged determination to follow it through, just like you insisted on your own way when you were a child.

40+FAB Blog

Why does it bother me?

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 16, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

When you have lived life a little, you will discover that certain things will bother you. You may try to ignore them, explain them away, and focus on something else yet there will be that niggling thought at the back of your mind that just won’t go away.

I have learnt that if one is to grow and become better and more fulfilled in life, then there has to be a confrontation of the things that bother them. We get told all the time things that should be important to us, but until we take the responsibility to actually pursue what is important to us, we will always be living somebody else’s idea of what life should be.

What bothers you is probably a more intense feeling than curiosity, for with curiosity you want to find out more, but with stuff that bothers you, not only do you want to find out more, you also want to do something about it.

Does it bother you when you see injustice? Some people don’t even notice and when you point it out, you may be told to mind your own business. Maybe it’s time for you to learn how to be an advocate either professionally or through charitable expressions.

Does it bother you when somebody else is succeeding? You may be told that you should be happy for other peoples success, and that is true, but maybe this is also a call for you to take a deep dive into why you are not fulfilling your own potential and start doing something about it.

What are all the things that bother you? Dyson, one of the great inventors of our time came up with the design for a vacuum cleaner that never looses suction because it bothered him that his normal vacuum cleaner always got clogged.

You owe it to yourself to take a deep dive to resolve all those niggling things whether big or small. You will find out that as you do so , you will begin to live a more productive and fulfilled life.

40+FAB Blog

Behind the wall

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 15, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

I remember the song by Tracy Chapman which told the story of a neighbour who listened to the commotion of their neighbours behind the wall. We all tend to make judgements about the person on the other side because we are usually so caught up in our own world that we can’t imagine why the other person will not behave, by our own standards that is.

There is a tendency to be blind and insensitive when we only see things from our own point of view, and we alienate others, not just by external barriers, but also by internal prejudices in our mindset.

It’s funny how we always judge ourselves by our intentions, but others by their actions. Whether we care to believe it or not, every human being is important and relevant. We may not live on their side of the wall, but we must know that their side of the wall is just as important to them as our own side is to us.

Let us be a little more caring of other people no matter which side they are on, let us give them the benefit of a doubt, let us help them out as best we can, and according to how we would want to be helped when we need it most. Life is precious to everyone and we all want to live it out in fulfilment and not in sorrow, so let us be contributors to another’s success remembering that what we sow is what we will also reap.

40+FAB Blog

Stolen future

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 14, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

Sometimes at the height of ones career or the peak of their productivity, someone else could step in and subvert their success, leaving them with nothing to show for all that they have worked for.

It sounds far fetched, but it does happen. My dad lived through such an experience, the details of which I am unable to share, but he was relieved of a very senior position for insisting on transparency over certain transactions and what he had worked for was given to someone else.

What I have come to realise in life is that your accomplishments, no matter how great, are not a full reflection of who you really are. Most that have been subverted in their area of strength end up associating that occurrence with a stolen future, and so they live out the rest of their days as a shadow of the potential they revealed at their peak.

The reality is, your best days will only ever be behind you on the day that you give up. You have to believe that the heart, habits and hands you used to create your accomplishments in one place, are capable of replicating greatness again some place else.

No one therefore can really steal your future. They may take your accomplishments in the now, but then they would have inherited your yesterday. So what do you do when you have been sabotaged? I believe the answer would be to get up and keep moving on the path of success that you have trodden on over the many years of toil, sweat and hard work.

40+FAB Blog

Say it as it is

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

November 13, 2020

- 40+FAB Blog

We are living in crazy times and people have become so vocal about everything, thanks to social media. There are so many weird and wonderful things being impressed upon society that it is so hard to keep up.

In an attempt to take the sting out of the polarity being created in our communities due to all the various points of view, we have been creating a culture of political correctness that almost censors our ability to have a difference of opinion.

On the other hand, we have a growing movement of people who are fighting back with the view point “say it as it is”, which is a valid view, however, the execution of this has created another slew of problems in society.

To say it as it is should not mean to be rude, tactless, hateful, hurtful, spiteful, unyielding, disruptive, disrespectful of another’s view, demeaning, and the list goes on.

As they say, two wrongs don’t make a right, so if you believe you have the truth, then you should rest assured that the truth will always outlive a lie so there’s no need to ever beat up others with the truth that you wield.

Dialogue and diplomacy can be done with dignity and this does not necessarily mean compromise. Stand your grounds by all means, but be sure that you are not standing in oppression over another persons right to exist as they deem fit.

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Listening effectively

Keep something for yourself

Avoiding counterfeits

You can control these things

Friends like these

Don’t give up quickly

Why does it bother me?

Behind the wall

Stolen future

Say it as it is