Have you ever noticed how we can sometimes be so efficient at solving other peoples problems and yet be so rubbish at solving our own? The human being can be such a collection of contradiction that it is sometimes unbelievable.

It is possible to be so organised and efficient on the job, yet there is utter chaos in our own home. Somehow, having it all together privately does not seem to be a criteria for acceptable performance publicly. The human mind knows how to compartmentalise and deliver value in the area it focuses.

This condition is quite age old such that the saying “Physician heal yourself” was used as far back as Jesus’ time when the Jews challenged him about his miracle working powers. People had been promising and delivering what they themselves did not show to possess privately so any new solution provider was thus challenged.

The question is, is it possible to give what you do not have? Or, is it that we have not understood how to garner what we do have for our own benefit rather than the benefit of others only?

Whatever we can do well for others, we can most likely do for ourselves, but maybe we need a little help to organise our internal world so that what we can do outwardly, we are also doing inwardly.

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Problem of a tattler (amèbo)

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 20, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

A tattler also known as a gossip or amèbo (a popularly used slang for a gossip in Nigeria), is one who is quick to tell someone what has been said behind his or her back by others.

Whether we like it or not, people are bound to say uncomplimentary things about us for one reason or another. For instance, the first time you meet someone, they may not really like you, but that could change over time as they might have been wrong in thier initial impression of you. I am sure you have good friends today who have told you, “When I first met you, I didn’t like you, but I was so wrong”.

What if a mutual friend, who likes to tattle, had told you the other person didn’t like you? As human beings, our reaction may be to avoid that person or be cold towards them the next time we see them, thus reinforcing thier position of not liking us. How many possible relationships or opportunities for people to change thier mind or reconcile with others have been ruined by a tattler? You may say it is immature to listen to a tattler, but whether we acknowledge it or not, thier words do register somewhere in our consciousness and sow the tiniest seeds of mistrust between friends.

I have learnt from experience that people who do not agree with my position today because they do not understand it or they don’t understand me, have come to change thier mind and turn to become my greatest advocates. Be mindful not to let the words of a tattler incite you against others who may have spoken against you.

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Tell me what to expect

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 19, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

There is a reason why businesses sign contracts where one party is providing a service to the other. It is important that the supplier is clear about what the client needs and that the solution being provided meets that need. It helps everyone to be on the same page, it saves time and resources, and reduces the possibility of conflict.

In a social setting however, like a family or a group of friends, people don’t generally sign pages of legal documents with clearly stated terms, but this is probably where we need it most. There is a simpler way to get expectations across and even though it sounds simplistic, it is very effective.

Tell me what to expect of you and tell me what you expect of me. The trajectory of relationships must be fired by these conversations over and over again. The confidence in knowing what to expect produces trust which is one of the major backbones of any relationship. Never take for granted this little matter of telling others what to expect, neither should you shy away from asking them too.

You also need to have that conversation with yourself. Say it out loud so you hear it. Sometimes we are in conflict about what we do in comparison to what we expect from ourselves. It could be that we expect too much, or we have burdened ourselves with someone else’s expectation of us. Be honest with yourself and be clear about what you want from you, then you can communicate that to others also.

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Let your excitement show

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 18, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

Excitement is really contagious, and there is no better way to try and convince another person to buy into what you are doing than with the evidence of excitement.

Everyone knows me to be the quiet type, so when I speak about things I am passionate about in my usually mellow manner, I am surprised that people pick up on my excitement and comment on it. You see, you give off an energy when you are excited and there is a smile in your face, a spring in your step and a twinkle in your eye. So whether you are very boisterous and exuberant, or you are the more mellow type, you will find that others pick up on your genuine excitement.

Allow your excitement to come out and use it to your advantage. It makes you more convincing, it tends to bring light and energy in a room which lifts the spirits of others, it lets others know what you care about and so on.
Show your excitement for your loved ones, your job, your hobbies, your ideas, your pursuits and much more. You will be doing yourself a great favour, and inevitably those around you.

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Living with or without it

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 17, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

Most of us would rather have what we want, than not have it. We also tend to go into some kind of mourning when we lose what we have. But sometimes living without it is not as bad as we imagine, and living with it is not as great as we expected. These are some of the unpleasant realities of life that we need to confront from time to time.

A single person for instance may feel life is better with a partner, but there are those that live with an abusive partner and thier experience of ‘living with it’ is worse off than the one ‘living without it’.

It is the the dream of couples to have children, and those ‘without it’ go through the turmoil of the wait, the questions from friends and family, and the longing to hold thier own child in thier hands, however, there are some couples living with children with a disability and thier experience of ‘living with it’ is one that is filled with pain. The examples of these scenarios are endless, be it money, fame, an appointment, a possession etc.

Don’t be too quick to bemoan your luck when you don’t live with it because sometimes you are actually better off without it. And, if you are living with it and it is not what you expected, do not despair because there is always a way to handle what you are going through, there is always help out there.

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Manmade scarcity

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 16, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

I don’t claim to be an economist, but just like you, I did learn the law of supply and demand which explains the interaction between the sellers of a resource and the buyers for that resource. It seems that the more scare an item is, the more people are willing to pay for it.

So where does scarcity come from? Scarcity refers to a basic economic problem—the gap between limited resources and theoretically limitless wants. You might look at that definition and be concerned about the limits of resources available, however the real problem is the limitlessness of mans wants and desires.

On the site Prezi.com, a calculation was submitted of the total landmass in the world divided by the number of people alive today. The results revealed that each person could end up with at least 155 hectares of land. Yet, there are several conflicts all over the world today based on scarcity of land.

The resources that we need are more than enough for everyone and available to everyone, however the prevalence of wants and needs that ignore the welfare of all, create demands which eventually drive scarcity. A number of businesses and organisations are waking up to the need for ethics in thier operations, and we too must look at the bigger picture as we go about our day to day business.

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Instinctively knowing

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 15, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

I am sure you have come across people who seemed to instinctively know what to do, whether it was how to lead, communicate, solve a problem, or generally be charming and personable. We usually conclude that they were blessed to be born with such qualities, but we must ask ourselves, is that really true?

Is there such a thing as instinctively knowing when it comes to behaviour that yields outstanding results? Look at it this way, the best way we learn is by example and practice, and sometimes we are not so aware that we are learning by these means. Take for instance John whose father was a professional speaker, his high school friends thought he was such a great communicator, and John couldn’t tell them why. He seemed to instinctively know how to capture his classmates attention in conversation. Was John born with the gift? No he wasn’t. John had observed, mirrored and practiced his fathers methods of communication for most of his life without consciously realising it. Those who learn in such a manner are said to be operating instinctively.

But, lets take the case of Sam who had to go through a series of communication classes to learn principles of communication and practice these principle with fellow students. After about 5 years of using these techniques, people who met him always said he was such a natural speaker. They thought he spoke instinctively. Instinctive reactions are really a result of what one has learned and not how they have learnt it.

Whatever will come instinctively to you has to be learnt and practiced until you can do it without even thinking, So whether someone appears to have sat in a classroom to learn it, or they have learnt it in other not so obvious ways, the underlying fact is that they all learnt it, internalised it and now operate instinctively.

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No people, no value

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 14, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

Have you ever considered that things lose meaning and invariably value when people lose interest in them? There was a time when the Nokia 3310 was the phone to have and the craze of the moment, but interests have since shifted to the epic iPhones.

No matter how good a product or commodity is, if there are no people interested in it, or available to buy it, then it becomes nearly worthless in value. It is true there are some things that people cannot live without, like food and water, but if you had a warehouse full of such supplies in the middle of a remote island that no one could reach, then although what you had was very valuable, the absence of people would make it worth nothing.

I reiterate again, the only reason why things hold value is because people want them. If you want to build your financial gains, the secrete is to follow the people and thier interests and not necessarily the things they are interested in today. Study people for long enough, market research, and you will be on to the next big product. Ignore people, and you will soon be left with a pile of worthless options.

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How you practice

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 13, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

They say that practice makes perfect, but we have come to realise that the more realistic way to say it is that practice makes progress as perfection is a destination that keeps moving further away the closer we get to it.

In the field of performance coaching it has been identified that even though practice is better than no practice at all, how you practice is actually more significant. It is possible to keep practicing and not improve. I know this first hand as I play the guitar, and I noticed that when I learned to play, my skills plateaued after a couple of years and never improved no matter how much I played or practiced. I then abandoned playing regularly for a very long period.

So how should we practice to bring about an improvement? Well, there are a few tips on how to do this.
1. Learn from the best – find the very best in the field you are trying to improve and learn what they do. This is where coaching and mentoring come in.
2. Learn the basics – ensure that you understand the basic principles of what you are doing.
3. Do a little bit more than you are comfortable with – for example, if you can do 10 push ups comfortably, aim to do 12 or 15 until it becomes comfortable, and then up it again.
4. Have a goal for improvement – what exactly do you want to improve? Do you want to run faster? Then how fast do you want to run, and by when do you want to achieve it?
5. Get feedback – this is such a crucial point as it highlights what you are doing right, what you are doing wrong, and points out where you need to improve.

I recently started using these principles with my guitar practice sessions and within 30 days of practice, I was able to master a number of skills that I just could not crack in the previous years of playing.

So, before you lose heart on how much you have practiced and it didn’t seem to have worked, please try and be more deliberate about your practice and apply some of the principles above.

40+FAB Blog

No wings, but still flying

By Olaolu Faj Opebiyi on

May 12, 2021

- 40+FAB Blog

Nature clearly teaches us that what we have determines what we can do. The kangaroo has legs and muscles that make it jump incredible heights and distances, the eagles have wings that make them fly, the fish have fins and gills that make them excel underwater.

You get the point, if you have not been gifted with certain abilities, then you will not be able to function in certain ways made possible by that ability. However, there is something that you do have that allows you to accomplish almost anything. It is called an imagination.

Yes, humans don’t have wings, but with what we have, imagination, we have been able to fly. We don’t have scales, gills or fins, yet we have been able to dive thousands of feet under the sea. We have been able to use the most powerful thing that we do have, the mind and imagination, to make up for the things that we don’t have.

In case you have been thinking about what you don’t have and therefore limited yourself to what you can do, you need to think again and start using the power of your mind and imagination. It’s ok that you don’t have wings, but that is no limitation because with what you have, you can still fly.

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